navigating
professional
relationships
— Author Unknown
Navigating
(verb) to steer a course through a medium.
Professional
Relationships
agenda
Hour 1
- Introductions (15-20 minutes)
- Individual and Team Values Assessment Activity& The data on relationships, values, and assumptions (20 minutes)
- Break (5 minutes)
- The Impact of values on relationships and conflict (10 minutes)
- Questions/Thoughts/Ideas (10 minutes)
Hour 2
- Lunch (30-35 minutes)
- The building blocks of bias + 4 types of conflict (individual practice + brief conversation) (25 minutes)
- Introduction to practice (5 minutes)
Hour 3
- Group conflict simulation (exploring observations, assumptions, and conclusions) (15 minutes)
- Break (5 minutes)
- Pre-empting conflict + making relationships work (15 minutes)
- Paired conversations (15 minutes)
- Final thoughts/questions/evaluation (10 minutes)
key terms regarding bias
Implicit Bias
Confirmation Bias
Projection Bias
Solution Aversion
When people don’t like a particular solution they often deny the problem exists or dismiss it.
Anchoring
assessing values
Values guide the data we collect and interpret as well as any actions we take.
No matter how values are communicated, there are some that take priority over others. It’s not a right or wrong thing, just an alignment. We privilege certain things as more meaningful than others.
Looking at the list of values from Maxar, we’ll quickly derive three lists based on the following question:
- How would I order these values personally, as a team, and as a company?
values and beliefs in relationships
Values often have an emotional connection. Thus, when they are violated or subordinated, we feel violated or subordinated.
This can lead to reacting emotionally rather than rationally in relationships.
Values generally arise from experiences. Thus, we can all read the same thing, yet because of our experiences and values we will interpret something different, especially when putting values into action.
Values inform beliefs, which direct action.
Beliefs are little more than risks we take to fill in gaps in information.
Beliefs are a hypothesis, an educated guess that fills in the blanks when we lack certain information.
Beliefs, bolstered by values, gives us the confidence to make assumptions.
Assumptions, more often than not, will derail almost any relationship, personal or professional.
do something different
- Push for greater readability and accountability. Get curious about what you’re observing. Ask questions and hold yourself accountable for the judgements you make along the way. Test and retest when needed or necessary. Hold yourself accountable for the interaction. This often causes us to slow down and be more thoughtful in our engagements with others.
- Go to the balcony, take a step back and get some distance before making a decision. According to NYU psychologist Yaacov Trope, “Adults who are told to take a step back and imagine the situation from a more general perspective make better judgments and evaluations, and have better self-assessments and lower emotional reactivity.”
- Consider the opposite. Paul Nurse, Nobel Prize winner in medicine, says “If I have an idea and have observations to support it, rather than get that out there, I go around and look at it in different ways and try and destroy it. And only if it survives do I begin to talk about it.”
observations, assumptions, & conclusions
Observations
What do I experience? What data am I paying attention to? Observations often have to do with our sensory experience of a situation or context. Observations are influenced by previous experiences.
Assumptions
Assumptions are our interpretations of an experience. And, an interpretation is nothing more than a guess. It’s what our brains do to shortcut having to expend the energy to stay present in a situation. We make risky interpretations based on selective data, previous experience, beliefs, and emotions.
Conclusions
What do the data I’ve selected and the interpretations I’ve guessed tell me is going on in this situation? Conclusions are often opinion-based reasonings as to why something is happening. Again, experience asks us to shortcut drawing conclusions because the expenditure of energy to stay present is too costly.
These three things create bias, which if left unchecked, builds into conflict. In every relationship there are two systems of bias at play. There are the biases you bring/created and the biases another person brings as well.
4 types of conflict
In healthy settings, you can have a task conflict without a relationship, values, or status conflict influencing the issues you’re trying to solve.
Relational Conflict
Arises from differences in personality, style, matters of taste, and even conflict styles. (PON Harvard)
Task Conflict
Involves concrete issues related to employees’ work assignments and can include disputes about how to divide up resources, differences of opinion on procedures and policies, managing expectations at work, and judgments and interpretation of facts. (PON Harvard)
Status Conflict
Disputes over people’s relative status (i.e., respect) positions in their group’s social hierarchy. It’s about where we fit in the hierarchy that we’re in together.
Values Conflict
Arise from fundamental differences in identities and values, which can include differences in politics, religion, ethics, norms, and other deeply held beliefs… disputes about values can arise in the context of work decisions and policies (PON Harvard).
making relationships work
Constructive meaningful purposeful relationships are hard. They take a lot of work to maintain. A positive outlook is one of the key features of good relationships (think asset-based). That doesn’t mean unbridled optimism. It means that you see people positively and offer constructive support rather than detachment or indifference.
Communicate clearly. This point cannot be understated. We are comically bad at reading nonverbal cues (to the tune about 20% accuracy with strangers, it only goes up to around 30-35% with intimate partners). To have good communication we have to share, generally verbally, what we are experiencing. And, we have to draw out from others their experiences as well.
Trust your instincts and double-check them often. Our first impressions are generally accurate. However, they last too long in our memories. One bad initial experience shapes every subsequent experience. Get curious about what is new in the present conversation, even as your brain tries to convince you nothing has changed.
Have a clear purpose for the relationship. Agreement and a shared understanding on why you are relating to one another and how that relationship satisfies particular professional goals helps clarify roles and responsibilities when conflict arises. Taking the time to outline ahead of time the mutual benefits of a relationship helps avoid status conflicts in the future.
Understand the type of relationship you have with another person in the organization. There are three types of professional relationships: transactional, interdependent, and transformational.
- In a transactional relationship there is a minimal level of interaction, interdependence, and familiarity. We relate around specific professional responsibilities, similar to a cashier at a store.
- With an interdependent relationship there is a higher expectation of shared goals and knowledge, as well as mutual support. With these relationships each person depends on the other for success.
- And, transformational relationships, which incorporate mutuality, vulnerability, and shared influence. A transformational relationship allows for people to be curious, hold each other accountable to higher standards, and share difficult feedback or have difficult conversations.
- All these relationships are important and no single one is better than the other. Clarity is the key here. Spending the time to know what type of relationship is needed is the point of labeling them.
- source: HBR.org
The ladder of inference
questions that help deconstruct a ladder
Why do I believe this is the right action?
What are some different options?
What beliefs do I hold about this?
What conclusions are they based on?
Why did I conclude this?
What are my assumptions?
Are my assumptions valid?
Why am I assuming this?
Am I looking at this data objectively?
What other meanings could they have?
What did I ignore or not pay attention to?
What other sources should I consider?
What’s the observable reality?
more resources
The Three Laws of Human Behavior
A summary of behavioral scientist Aline Holzwarth’s 2019 article for Behavioral Economics, where she used Newton’s laws of motion to inform three laws of human behavior.
Implicit Bias Test
Harvard University’s Implicit Bias test. A free resource where you can test your biases for use in self-discovery or as a team activity.
Getting to Yes/Getting past No
Classic book on difficult negotiations. His work informs a lot of other mediation and negotiation literature.
The Science of Productive Conflict (Podcast)
40ish-minute podcast exploring some of the recent research on productive conflict.
Community: The Structure of Belonging
Text on how to build trusting communities, arguing for a deeper sense of connection and belonging in all places. Tips on moving the conversation from scarcity to possibility.
Plays Well with Others
Examines some of the common myths about friendship and relationships from current psychological and social science research. Some good tips for building better relationships.
pre-empting conflict
Conflict is inherently good and provides positive traction when done well. There are several things we can do to prepare ourselves, and another few things we can do when we experience “amygdala hijack” in the middle of a conversation or conflict.
Get Clear
- What kind of relationship is this?
- What are our roles and how do we define/negotiate them?
- How am I accountable in this relationship?
- What is the purpose of our meeting and more largely our relationship (when it comes to purpose, think of results vs. relationship)?
- Who am I meeting with and how am I choosing to show up?
Set the Stage
- Do I have a clear agenda for a meeting? Has the other party had a chance to look at it and comment or add anything?
- What values are at stake for myself and others?
- What items are negotiable and what isn’t (think rules vs. risks)?
- Have I had a one-to-one with this person to better understand them and their approach to work, relationships, values, etc?
- What is my state of mind entering the meeting?
Assess and Diagnose
- What kind of conflict are we experiencing (task, relational, values, status)?
- How (and where) is it impacting our work?
- What am I contributing to the conflict or the relational dynamics? (there are three stories in every conflict: yours, mine, and the truth)
- What emotions am I experiencing and how are they related to my actions?
- How can we take a step back and see the larger picture and/or diffuse any tension?
Create Solutions
- How can I take a breath and re-establish some emotional control?
- Has the meeting/conflict become personal rather than professional? If so, how do we invite each other to take a step back?
- If we take a step back, have we agreed to a time to return to the issue at hand with our better selves?
- Have we sought another pair of eyes on the impasse in order to return to the tasks that need to be done?
TL;DR: Communicate the purpose of meetings clearly; understand the type of relationship; stay curious; breathe.
Maxar Training
Part 2Agenda
I. Working lunch – Conversation about Amy Gallo’s Getting Along (link and information below).
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- Which archetype are you?
- Which archetype is most difficult for you to deal with?
II. Practice difficult situations
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- Practice situations in dyads/triads
- Reflect on what worked, what didn’t, and how you experienced each other
III. If there is time, discussion and practice on relational meetings
-
- What are they?
- When/Why should we do them?
- What makes it different from a normal conversation?
The 8 Professional Identity Archetypes
How to use this list:
- As descriptions of behaviors we encounter in the workplace
- For better understanding our own approach to work and the identities we perform
- For general ways of thinking about and counteracting detrimental behaviors in the workplace
The Insecure Boss
- Overly concerned about what others think of them
- Chronic inability to make or stick with a decision
- Frequently changing the direction of a project/meeting, especially when someone in power suggests something different
- Overly highlighting expertise or credentials, sometimes puts down others to make themselves look more important
- Attempts to control everything about a team, including where, when, and even how people accomplish their work
- Requiring approval over every detail of a project
- Controls the flow of information and resources, as well as how their team interacts with other teams or colleagues
Insecure Boss do's and don'ts
Do’s
- Remember the insecure boss is human, demonizing helps no one.
- Position yourself as an ally, not a rival
- Share genuine compliments, or express gratitude and appreciation (in private)
- Use “we” when framing things
- Keep them in the loop and be transparent about what you’re working on and who you’re talking to in other parts of the company
- Schedule regular check-ins to keep them updated on progress
Don’ts
- Don’t assume you know what pressures they are under
- Don’t retaliate
- Don’t forget to share the spotlight
The Pessimist
- Complains about meetings, leadership, colleagues, pretty much everything
- Proclaims new things are doomed to fail
- Adopts a “we’ve already tried that and it failed” approach to innovation
- Focuses only on risks in tactics or strategies
- Is good at focusing on the negative even when the news is mostly positive
Pessimist do's and don'ts
Do’s
- Encourage them to play disagreer-in-chief as part of their formal role
- Engage with their underlying assumptions, ask for clarification about what they mean
- Let them know you understand why they feel a certain way and nudge them toward a different perspective
- Help them understand when pessimism is helpful and when it hurts
- Set constructive norms for the entire team
- Acknowledge your own negative thoughts/feelings and validate the parts that you agree with
- Spend time with positive co-workers
Don’ts
- Don’t drown them in positivity
- Don’t dismiss their perspective as unhelpful or illogical
- Don’t ignore their complaints or concerns, there might be some validity
The Victim
- Feels sorry for self and invites others to feel sorry for them
- Evades responsibility and puts the blame on others or external factors
- Doesn’t take constructive feedback with excuses about why something is not their fault
- Drags others down with a “poor me” attitude
- Wallows in negative feelings
- Forecasts failure, particularly for themselves
Victim do's and don'ts
Do’s
- Provide positive reinforcement and express appreciation for their contribution
- Ask what they would do if they had the authority to take action (help them think of ways they can follow through)
- Offer to help make a list of steps they can take to achieve certain goals
- Take a direct approach (I see this as your responsibility, let’s talk about why you don’t see it that way.)
- Boost their sense of agency by encouraging them to mentor a colleague, lend their expertise to another team, or volunteer outside of work
Don’ts
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- Don’t only give them validation when they complain
- Don’t suffer through griping sessions – it’s okay to excuse yourself or change the subject
The Passive-Aggressive Peer
- Deliberately ignores deadlines they’ve agreed to
- Promises to send email that never arrives
- Acts rudely toward you and then denies anything is wrong when confronted
- Projects anger or sullenness while claiming nothing is wrong
- Implies your work is unsatisfactory but refuses to say so or give direct feedback
- Disguises insults as compliments
- Twists your words in a disagreement so it seems like you’re always wrong
Passive-Aggressive Peer do's and don'ts
Do’s
- Try and understand the underlying issue they’re trying to convey
- Make clear you’re interested in their perspective
- Focus on the facts: things you know without emotion, judgement, of exaggeration
- Set guidelines for how everyone on a team will interact
- Agree to be upfront as a team about any frustrations and model honest and direct interactions
Don’ts
- Don’t take their behavior personally
- Don’t accuse them of being passive-aggressive
- Don’t try and guess what they’re feeling
- Don’t take the bait and respond with anger, take a conversation offline and have it in person.
How Not to use this list:
- As diagnostic tool, people are more flexible than a fixed set of descriptors
- As a way of dismissing or excusing people for their behaviors
The Know-It-All
- My way or the highway attitude
- Monopolizes conversation
- Positions their ideas as superior
- Doesn’t listen to criticism or feedback
- Condescending
- Explains things others already understand
- Rarely asks questions or acts curious
- Steals or doesn’t share credit for group successes
- Jumps into conversations uninvited
Know-It-All do's and don'ts
Do’s
- Preempt a know-it-all’s interruptions by asking for people to hold questions or comments until you’re finished.
- Ask for data or sources that back up their statements
- Model humility and open-mindedness by asking for other viewpoints
- Enlist the help of colleagues to stop interruptions and set norms for the team
- Consider whether you own bias is playing a role in labeling someone a “know-it-all”
Don’ts
- Don’t get into a power struggle about who’s right or wrong
- Don’t assume they know they’re mansplaining or condescending
- Don’t try and address every transgression, let some things go
- Don’t allow them to make you feel small
The Tormentor
- Accuses you, directly or indirectly, of not being committed to the work
- Sets near impossible standards
- Assigns you needless or inappropriate busywork
- Proudly share the sacrifices they’ve made, believing you should make similar ones
- Puts down your accomplishments, especially in comparison to theirs
- Overgeneralizes negative characteristics about particular generations
- Denies the existence of systemic barriers
- Claims their mistreatment is an exercise in character building
Tormentor do's and don'ts
Do’s
- Find a common goal and focus on that rather than a negative dynamic
- Ask directly what you can do to improve your relationship
- Acknowledge their sacrifices or the hardship they’ve faced
- Try and demonstrate that you have value that others don’t in order to shift the power balance
- Examine your own bias or stereotypes that could be influencing your interpretations of others’ behaviors
Don’ts
- Don’t forget that people act aggressively when they feel threatened
- Don’t try and up the ante with a competitive colleague, refuse to engage in the tug-of-war
- Don’t allow a tormentor to make you question yourself
- Don’t assume the mistreatment is a character flaw, consider all the things that might influence someone’s behavior
The Biased Co-Worker
- Comments on a positive attribute as though they’re surprised you have it
- Labels a behavior that’s deemed acceptable for majority group members as negative or unprofessional for you
- Assumes you aren’t capable or interested because of your identities.
- Uses phrases or words that denote a false sense of closeness or familiarity
- Makes assumptions based on stereotypes or denies someone an individual identity apart from certain descriptive characteristics
- Acting as if bias or discrimination doesn’t exist
Biased Co-Worker do's and don'ts
Do’s
- Think carefully about whether you want to speak up, weigh costs and benefits
- Recognize that if you are in a position of power or privilege, you have a responsibility to address offensive comments
- Ask questions that encourage reflection on what someone said
- Practice a few phrases if you are caught off guard by biased comments or actions
Don’ts
- Don’t presume someone is incapable of change
- Don’t neglect to think through the political costs of calling out a microaggression
- Don’t assume the person knows they’re being offensive
- Don’t level accusations of racism, sexism or other forms of prejudice; it creates defensiveness and inhibits potential change over the long-term
The Political Operator
- Brags about successes
- Takes undue credit
- Curry favor with people in power or those who can help their career
- Acts like they’re in charge, even when they aren’t
- Gossips and spreads rumors, especially about those who they believe are standing in their way
- Pushes their own agenda, even at the expense of company goals
- Hoards information to appear powerful
- Purposely undermines you by excluding you from a meeting or withholding critical details.
Political Operator do's and don'ts
Do’s
- Choose collaboration over retaliation
- Find productive and ethical ways to make sure people know about your accomplishments
- Create a paper trail of who did what on a project
- Offer to help, suggest working together on a project, offer to brainstorm together or provide information that could be helpful to them
Don’ts
- Don’t assume your good work will speak for itself
- Don’t stoop to their level and try and beat them at their own political game
- Don’t always trust them when they try and align with you, be cautious
9 ways to get along with most people
- Focus on what you can control
- Remember your perspective is just one perspective
- Be aware of your biases
- Don’t make it a “me versus them” situation
- Rely on empathy to create more awareness
- Know your goal
- Avoid gossip (mostly, correct it when possible)
- Experiment to find what works
- Be curious, always
Scenarios and Role Plays
Relational Meetings
One-to-One or Relational Meetings
A relational meeting is an opportunity to cultivate transformative public relationships and to identify collaborators and leaders. Relational meetings include mutual discovery of the other person’s interests, core values, motivations, hopes, and fears as it relates to our shared communal public life. Developing relationships that bring together diverse people and perspectives creates opportunities for deep connection, understanding, and collaboration.
The goal of a relational meeting is to develop a public relationship grounded in mutual respect, connection, and shared interests.
Skills Needed:
- Presence and the ability to actively and deeply listen to another person.
- Genuine curiosity about other people, including those different from you.
- Genuine care for others as they are—you are not judging, psychoanalyzing, providing counseling, arguing your case, or selling.
- The capacity to ask meaningful questions that encourage the person to talk about what is most meaningful and important to them.
- Calculated vulnerability through the ability to appropriately and equitably share towards mutual vulnerability—don’t let the other person dive deep while you skim the surface.
Process:
- Schedule the meeting in advance and explain who you are, who you represent, who referred you (if applicable), the reason you want to meet with the person, and that you would like 30-45 minutes of their time for a one-to-one conversation.
- Select an appropriate and comfortable setting for both of you where you will not be interrupted or distracted. Public spaces can help create a sense of safety.
- Example questions to start a relational meeting (don’t write an interview protocol or script):
- In what capacities and how long have they been involved in the community/organization/institution?
- What do they see happening to individuals and families in the community/organization/institution? What are the pressures? What are the signs of vitality and hope?
- Why did they get involved? Why do they stay involved?
- Why…? Can you give me an example to illustrate?
- Listen for stories that tell you what is important to the other person: What motivates them? What do they value, and why? What worries them or is a pressure in their life? What makes them angry? What makes them hopeful?
- At midpoint in the meeting, ask yourself: Is this person sharing their story with me and am I finding out what they care about? If not, model what you are looking for by sharing a story and see if they respond in kind.
- Wrap up the relational meeting by:
- Seeing if they have any questions
- Ending the meeting in response to their interest. Don’t ask for anything unless they indicate they are interested in finding out more, getting more involved, etc. Then make an invitation based on their interests—not yours.
- Asking who else they recommend you talk to
- Asking to schedule a follow-up meeting if this meeting went well and you are interested in building a public relationship with this person
- End the meeting early if it is not going well. The person may be disinterested, you did not connect, or the meeting simply didn’t go well. End the meeting, thank them for their time, evaluate your performance, learn from evaluation, keep practicing, and move on.
- After the meeting, write down your reflections on how you performed and what you learned about the other person and yourself.
Tips:
- One-to-one relational meetings are between two people, not three, or four.
- Probe, but don’t pry—respect the other person’s space and privacy.
- Keep the meeting focused, and be person- and story-centered.
- It is not just what the other person says, but how they say it, how they act, and what they don’t say that conveys the fuller story. Follow-up on critical moments and ask “Why?” questions to better understand the other person.
- While people may be forced by the task (mobilizing), they are moved by relationship (organizing). In building a relationship, don’t force a task-oriented response. Let the other person determine their response.
- Don’t make everything about you. In the U.S., we often have a cultural tendency to respond to someone else’s sharing by relating back to ourselves and then sharing our own related experience. This can create shared connection to a point, but at its extreme, it can make the other person feel like you are not listening deeply to what they are sharing. This is especially true when someone is sharing about a pain or difficult moment in their life.
©Jason C. Whitehead 2022
Mosaic Insight
Denver, Colorado
Jason(at)mosaic-insight.com