Most of us may find change to be a mixed bag. On one hand, we love the idea of change. In theory, we know that the world changes around us, that people and situations and ideas can change. We may even welcome the possibility of change when greet each new day. On the other, there’s a part of us that wants things to stay the same. In practice, we find stability in familiarity and security in certainty. Change is the ultimate double-bind.
A double-bind refers to the tensions we experience when we are given two contradictory messages and told to make a decision or take action. Double-binds are everywhere. Feeling stuck is often a symptom of a double-bind. A quintessential damned if we do, damned if we don’t type situation.
My spouse wants me to be more sensitive to their needs, and then acts cold or dismisses my feelings when I express them…
My job is boring and mind-numbing but I fear making a change and starting over…
I’m asked to be consistent, then told I’m too strict; to be stable, then told I’m not creative enough…
My church tells me they want more diversity, more younger families, more community, and then doesn’t show up for opportunities to create these spaces and relationships…
Double-binds… I love you, now go away.
As we navigate relationships with others and the world, the double-bind change presents is a natural part of life. It is something we love and loathe; celebrate and pillory; something we seek and hide from. Yet, double-binds create mental, emotional, and physical energy, signaling that change is coming, even when we don’t want it. In short, double-binds stick with us. They persist long beyond a conversation or experience, rolling around in the back of our heads as we move through a day, week, month, or even a year.
Without ways of expressing or working through these sticky moments, double-binds can impede our development. Their inherent confusion causing anger, apathy, and/or disconnection. With no way out, or no chance at winning, we feel as though every effort we make leads us to bang our heads against an immovable wall. Double-bind may make us feel stuck and unfulfilled. Yet, I believe they don’t always have to be a negative force in our lives.
In therapy and coaching, I will often draw attention to a double-bind as a way of thoughtfully and compassionately engaging someone’s desire and readiness for change. Used well, a double-bind helps us take a position on a story or experience and choose how we will relate to it. Together, we lay out the entire story in front of us. Where did it come from? What is the result of being stuck? How does the story impact your life and relationships? What might happen if you take action? What might happen if you don’t?
Together, we work through the possibilities, seeking a way that expresses the possibilities present in all change; possibilities that step beyond either/or thinking. A double-bind can be a fertile ground for thinking of new directions and possibilities. They can create some psychological flexibility and creative problem-solving. Like water flowing downhill, there are multiple ways of flowing in and around rocks and trees to create a new way forward. A problem created in relationship (as all double-binds are), should not be solved alone.
Without the help of others we can trust, and who care deeply about us, it is near impossible to escape being bound by the tensions of a double-bind. It is without support that change becomes hostile and we seek a return to safer days when things were more predictable. When that happens, it’s not just us that suffers, but the world and worlds we are a part of suffer as well.